Wednesday, August 22, 2018

Remember the wonderful way you used to do your carpet & rug cleaning chores?  You toted your floor coverings all smelly and heavy with dirt out into the back yard where you hung them over your clothesline.  Then the real fun and fitness-oriented part of your day began when you started beating the dirt out with a heavy stick.  You knew what a good job you were doing by the billowing clouds of dust smelling of old socks wafting up to your nostrils after every solid whack on your floor covering.  Ah!  Weren’t those the great days of carpet & rug cleaning?

Are you not 150 years old like I am?  Maybe you don’t personally remember how your grandmother cleaned her carpets & rugs when she was living on the old homestead.  I remember your grandmother quite well.  I knew her when she was a strapping young lass who could swing a club at her rugs like Mickey Mantle could stroll out to whack a ball out of the park with a swing of his bat.

But you’re younger so I suppose the golden age you most fondly recall is of the huge robotic monstrosity your mom used to wheel out of the hall closet to Hoover up the dirt and dust.  Didn’t that old vacuum cleaner remind you of the robot in the science fiction television series ‘Lost in Space’?  Okay, so the vacuum had only one arm whereas the robot had two but that one long flexible arm would wave around and you could almost hear it shouting ‘Warning! Warning!” just before the suction machine tried to suck the whole cat up in addition to the cat fur on the floor.

You had to imagine the sound of the robot vacuum cleaner shouting.  You sure couldn’t hear the television while mom was doing her carpet & rug cleaning due to the motor that was only a few decibels quieter that a jet engine.  Yet for all its noise, that old canister thing couldn’t develop much actual suction.  At least you could still take your floor coverings out to beat them during the spring.  The wall-to-wall deep shag floor coverings held their best dirt and their smelly sock smells intact until the age of shag declined and they were finally torn out.  Surely you recall that glorious day in the annals of cleaning history?

Wait a minute! You might be one of these wet-behind-the-ears youngsters who weren’t even born before the Internet.  In that case you wouldn’t know a good rug beating even if you were rolled up in the floor covering.  I’ll bet you just search the web for a handy-dandy carpet & rug cleaning service.  I suppose the floor-covering cleaners you employ have one of those special air filters to trap the odors so even they can’t fully appreciate the aroma of stale foot sweat mingled with dust and cat fur.

Just go talk to your Grandma, or maybe your Great-Grandmother and ask her to tell you about the wonderful days of beating these floor coverings clean outside with a bat.  And tell her that I said ‘Hi Toots’!

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